We can discuss net neutrality and its importance for days. However, the brilliant folks over at FunnyorDie.com made a video that really hammers home the point: will we still be able to watch porn on the internet?

Porn Stars Explain Net Neutrality

The Princess Has Come of Age box coverIn a far away galaxy a princess, as soon as she comes of age has to choose a husband. Five princes coming from nearby planets have gathered together to the princess castle, but only he who will be able to satisfy all her sexual desires will marry her. Five nights of pleasure and lust are awaiting the princess…The challenge begins.

The above quote is the leader that opens surprise porn smash hit The Princess Has Come Of Age. With that in mind, you get the picture, except that at least two of the princes look like princesses, but that’s really not important. Following on from my recent post about the virtues of pixel sex, somebody, I shall mention no names though they could be described as being rather “deviant,” somebody thought it would be fun if I were to review one of the most popular movies on the HotMovies.com site, that just happens to be animated! With princesses, horny aliens, and robots and stuff, at first glance The Princess  could appear a bit weird. Ok, it is weird, but it’s “good weird,” trust me!

Read the rest of this entry »

Reconciling With Porn

Well any reader, my brief respite from porn has come to an abrupt end over the weekend.  The loneliness of a timid introvert was a key ingredient in eliciting such a change of heart.  My short-lived guilt-free eyes are no longer such as I lie watching bouncing bazookas and lust stiffened-members collide unabashedly in orgy infested rooms.   I cannot tell a lie – the traces of shame that linger after watching adult movies is no match for the glee that accompanies this titillating viewing experience.  A poem commemorating this fateful day follows:

Oh wanton, neglected love knife!

Where is thy succulent tulip?

Vibrant, pulsing night dreams

in a crowded, lonely city-

Guide your inquisitive essence.

Hi, any reader!  To introduce myself, I am the Sensitive Pornographer, a once avid fan of the medium now jaded by working for an adult VOD company. What once was a passion has now become a job – who would have thought one could tire of porn? To commemorate this parting of ways, I think a letter is warranted.

Dear Porno,

My heart is leaden with sorrow to mention that our time as companions must now come to an end.  It pains the very core of my being that you and I will never again be known as such, you and I.  You were there for me, in the waning hours of blackest night, always lending me a helping hand in times of need.  Your “oh yeahs” and “baby harder, that’s right” will not be forgotten, I assure you.  When you proclaimed with urgent immediacy, “Fuck me like there’s no tomorrow!” I crumbled inside, knowing in the most knowing of manners that your sincerity was indeed real.  Alas there will be no such tomorrow, for your fidelity, or lack thereof, has driven us apart.  I saw it coming, my newly departed beloved, when I walked in on you and name has been deleted engaged in a position I thought reserved for only us.  The remembrance of this occasion has become unbearable and I fear that it would only make matters worse, should we continue to see one another.  I leave you with happy tidings and the wish of bountiful rosy tomorrows in your future life.  Goodbye Porno, goodbye.

 

Proverbs can often times be incredibly corny and cheesy. We’ve heard all of these sayings a million times over. But today we look at these words of wisdom in a new light. I’m taking some of those famous bits of life advice and applying them to the world of sex. Surprisingly, a good number of them fit quite well.

Practice makes perfect.

guy waving flag

Just like with everything else, you have to practice sex to be good at it. You can’t just jump right in and expect to have any clue what the hell you’re doing. Look at this guy as a good example. He’s waving a flag at a football game. But it sure looks to me like he’s practicing jerking off.

Actions speak louder than words.

Sure you can tell someone all you want how romantic you are or how much you love them. But it doesn’t mean anything if you don’t show it. So instead of just grunting at your partner the next time you want to have sex, take some time and set up a nice romantic atmosphere. Show your partner that you care.

Beggars can’t be choosers.

lower standards

Guys especially need to learn this. If you want to have more sex, stop restricting your possible partners to incredibly attractive people. If you really need to have sex that badly, stop whining and go after someone not as good looking.

The pen-is mightier than the sword.

make love not war

Okay, so this one needs to be changed up a bit. Instead of “the pen”, we’re going to make it “The penis is mightier than the sword.” Why can’t we all just get along and have sex?! Enough fighting over petty drama. Get over it, and let’s just get back to doing what we all love…having sex.

Better late than never.

orgasm meme

Pleasing your partner in bed can sometimes be a difficult task. But keep at it! If at first you don’t succeed, try again. If you need help, try some of these foreplay and sex tips.

You can’t judge a book by it’s cover.

Sure, physical beauty might be more pleasing on the eyes. But what’s more pleasing in the sack? If a girl is giving you a fantastic blowjob, does it really matter if she’s a perfect 10? I’ll take the girl on the left, thanks.

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

reciprocating oral sex

No double standards in bed, people! This goes for you women, as well. If you like getting something done to you in bed, then you better be prepared to reciprocate. Everyone should be getting equally pleasured.

The early bird gets the worm.

guy picking up girl

This proverb doesn’t have so much to do with the actual sex as it does the chance to have sex. Let’s set up a scenario. You see a girl across the bar chatting with her friends. What do you do? Well if you want any chance at taking her back to your place you better get your ass over there before anyone else does. You don’t want to wait in a situation like this. Because you never know when someone else is going to come in and swoop her up. So be the early bird, and go after what you want.

Porn and shitty MS Paint jobs are two things I love. But what happens when these two things are combined? Amazing happens, that’s what. Porn has never looked so funny. And it’s also 100% safe for work!

woman with cat

Who doesn’t enjoy cuddling with a nice cat? Although in this instance it appears the cat is not enjoying himself too much. In fact, it kind of looks like this lady is smelling the cat’s leg. I don’t know what weirder; the Paint version or the original where she’s rubbing a dick on her face.

Sherlock Holmes

Ahh yes, Sherlock Holmes. Just taking a brief break here to smoke out of a pipe. Nothing out of the ordinary here.

Asa Akira eating noodles

Who doesn’t love noodles?! And of course the only way to eat them is to slurp them down. That’s all Asa Akira is doing here. Just eating some noodles. Totally not giving a blow job or anything like that.

killing vampire

Vampires are a seriously problem. This woman is just doing her part by slaying this evil monster. Also, there’s definitely a joke here about her holding onto wood, but I’m not nearly clever enough to think of one.

spiderman

Good ol’ Spider-Man, always protecting the people from criminals. This bank robber clearly thinks she’s above the law and is mocking Spider-Man by sticking her tongue out. Well the jokes on her because she’s going to get a mouth full of web…or semen.

There have been a lot of different versions of the Miley Cyrus’ song “Wrecking Ball” that have come out. The original video has become rather infamous. However, this new one released by porn legend Ron Jeremy may just be the funniest and most disturbing. This rendition is like a horrific car accident. It’s just so terrible, but at the same time you just can’t look away.

The spoof video really captures everything from the original. It’s even got Ron licking the sledgehammer and swinging naked on the wrecking ball. Two things we didn’t necessarily need to see, but hey, at least it’s accurate. You can even watch the video in 1080p so you can capture every last bit of the disturbing imagery this video provides.

Shopping for condoms can be awkward. Maybe the cashier gives you a little smirk indicating she knows what you’re getting into tonight. Or perhaps an old lady shopping for cat food across the aisle is giving you a weird look. Whatever it is, you always feel like people are judging you. Wouldn’t life be a lot easier if shopping for condoms was like this banned Australian commercial?

Anthony Davis is having a fantastic start to the 2013-2014 NBA season. Through 7 games the young, talented center is averaging 21.7 points and 11.6 rebounds per game. Impressive stuff coming from a 20-year-old who’s in just his second season in the league. But on this particular day, Davis isn’t making headlines for his play on the court. See, a Vine has surfaced showing the Center in a new and interesting light.

Anthony Davis locker room

Check out the full Vine here!

The Vine appears to take place back a couple of years when Davis was still playing for the University of Kentucky. So what exactly is going on? Well…uhh…it appears Davis is being held down spanked on his bare ass by a teammate in the locker room.

Initially, you may think this is some sort of hazing. Especially with all of the news about Richie Incognito and Jonathan Martin going around lately. This has been a huge story in sports. It’s brought up so many questions of where exactly the line is drawn between hazing and just joking around. However, I think if you look closely at this short video then you can tell it’s just a couple of dudes messing around.

I mean, really, go watch the Vine again. Davis spends the whole time laughing and sticking his tongue out at the camera. I’m pretty sure he’s actually enjoying the whole thing. So there are a couple of options here. Either Anthony Davis is gay and hasn’t told anyone, OR this is just a hilarious video of 18 to 22-year-old teammates screwing around with each other. I’m thinking the latter of those two options seems pretty likely.

Knowing the world of sports journalism, however, I’m sure this story will blow up and be everywhere. Now that there’s been one story of hazing come out, that must mean that there are countless others that we’ve been oblivious to all this time! Although, it would be pretty funny to hear ESPN have to talk about Anthony Davis’ ass as a segment on Sportscenter.

We often times look at Japan as the front-runner for technological advances and futuristic living. They just always seem to be so far ahead in crazy gadgets and electronics. However, a new product coming from the Asian nation is slightly different, and weirder, than the things we might be used to seeing.

Shin-chan

This odd looking fellow is Shin-chan. He’s a five-year-old boy, and the main character of a Japanese manga series called Crayon Shin-chanNow, I know nothing of this series, nor do I particularly care about learning anything about it. However, the Japanese have caught my interest with a certain piece of merchandise based off of this character.

For some reason, they have thought it necessary to turn Shin-chan’s butt into an edible dessert. That’s right, you can buy a kit to make some homemade butt pudding. Sadly, the only place I’ve found where you can purchase this delicious rear end is on Amazon’s Japanese site.

shin-chan butt pudding

Check out the finished product. It even jiggles! They should make one of these in the US for all the hype about Miley Cyrus’ twerking. Actually…brb. Going to go submit this idea and cash in for my millions.

butt pudding jiggle

This is probably one of the oddest things I’ve ever seen. And when you think about the fact that you’re eating a jello-like mold of a 5-year-old’s butt, it doesn’t get any less weird. Although, garnishing the finished product with a touch of mint really adds some class to this otherwise juvenile dessert. Of course, why you’d need to worry about class when you’re serving a glass with an edible cartoon butt is beyond me. But hey, it’s a nice aesthetic touch.

See exactly how to make it in the instructional video below.