The weird and wonderful Internets has given us another gem.
This time answering the age age old question – What is on the blackboard in the back of that porno I saw on Thursday?

Someone has created a blog deciphering the cryptic messages that occupy the background of some of our wildest fantasies.

I’ve long since given up the “why” response. I now focus on “How can I help?”

For you Mr. Blackboard Deciphering and Researching Porn Nerd:

Here is how we can help:

1. Finding Porn Movies with Blackboards – This one is kind of easy. You could start by searching teachers, but why? Let’s start instead with the low hanging fruit – Scene Search – With 2 clicks you have 2,363 scenes that take place in the classroom.

2. Getting Pictures finding SFW pictures isn’t exactly easy, but grabbing screen shots is.

• Use the Silverlight Player
• Open Google Picassa (not the web site, the program, if you don’t have this you are missing out on life) *
• Watch the movie, when blackboard is on screen press the “Alt” key and the “PrtScn” button on your keyboard. This will create a file you can crop, edit and generally mess with to better read the blackboard.

3. Decipher what’s on the board – This one can be kind of difficult. But you don’t necessarily have to do it. Just write the general idea down and let the blackboard in porn guy do it.
3. Email exported pictures along with information to blackboardsinporn (@) gmail

http://www.hotmovies.com/video/104891/Barely-Legal-Straight-A-Students/ – scene 4 – French class – Manuel Ferrara writes on board -
http://www.hotmovies.com/video/4184/Jade-with-Teto-Sledgehammer/ – characters write on the board etc. build sentences using the words.
http://www.hotmovies.com/video/99742/Westgate-Old-School-Detention-With-The-Head-Girl/ – older movie – title of movie is written on blackboard
http://www.hotmovies.com/video/155728/Daddy-s-Lil-Whore-2/ -scene 2 – equations and text – lee stone – This one will take some work to figure out.
http://www.hotmovies.com/video/202274/Sex-Education-101-Tory-Lane-vs-Angelina-Valentine/ – kind of lame – Sex Education 101 – all in CAPS – Mrss. Valentine
http://www.hotmovies.com/video/171660/Morgana-Dark-s-Lesbian-Fantasies/ – scene 4 – Portugese – looks like basic sex education on the blackboard

* I’m on a PC. If you are MAC I have no clue, but I’m guessing it might be just as easy.
if you have Picassa open and press the Alt + print screen button an actual file is made instead of it only going to your clipboard.

Before reading this article, please take a second to truly absorb that gloriously awful headline.

…

Thank you.

In a world where little people become famous for resembling not-so-little celebrities, Percy Foster was about to be crowned as porn royalty. The 35 year-old midget was discovered by a production assistant on the set of Hi-Ho Hi-Ho, It’s Up Your Arse We Go, for being a convincing pint-sized look-alike of Master Chef’s Gordon Ramsay. Once the connection was made, the Adult Industry began their traditional sprint through hatching pornified ideas.

In the words of sage Ferris Bueller, “Life Moves Pretty Fast.” There is not much information available as to why Percy Foster may have buckled under the weight of the porn world, but those close to him have commented on his high stress levels following his burst into look-alike stardom. Adult Industry Producer Dexter Yamunkeh says, “Percy was a little guy with big problems. He was doing well but he was under pressure, 24/7, like everyone in this goddamned business.” Therefore, suicide has not been ruled out in Percy’s case.

The 3’6″ Foster was found partially eaten by Ministry of Agriculture workers planning badger-gassing near Tregaron in Western Wales. It is still a mystery as to how his body ended up at the bottom of this six-foot deep badger den. When asked for inner-office comment, T.J. HotMovies had this for response:

So here at HotMovies.com headquarters (a massive Cobra-shaped stone obelisk hidden in the jungles of Central America,) we store every last one of our 150,000 porno movies. We have our own servers, hosting like 4 quadrillion gigs of streaming video, an underground helipad, a blood diamond mine, and a giant machine that crushes the diamonds into crack cocaine, but I digress. Anyway- for every movie we encode and upload to our servers, we also have a physical copy to go with it. That means we have more than 150,000 DVDs, VHS tapes, laser discs, and whatever all stored in a huge underground vault. Companies send them to us and we encode them. Well sometimes they send us more than one.

This happens every once in a while, and in the ten years or so we’ve been porn-mongers, they have piled up. They piled up high. Real high. It’s hard to say, but to me it looks like maybe 5,000 to 10,000; maybe even like 20,000 extra porno DVDs. They just sit there in boxes, providing no boners, and that ain’t right.

so... much... porn...

boxes... overflowing... can't...

show... all of it...

So what can we do with them? I know what you’re thinking, you greedy American Capitalist pigs, you think we should sell them. Well we already do- on the internet. The studios sent this stuff to us in good faith for encoding purposes, so we’re not going to turn around and start slinging them on eBay or something. Besides, HotMovies programmed a computer that wrote an algorithm, that told it to hire a lawyer, who advised them to hire me – to use our power for good, not evil. There are starving children in Somalia who would love to have this porn.

Thing is, giving away thousands of porno DVDs is a lot harder than it sounds. Half the people don’t believe me, and the other half are just perverts who aren’t needy- they’re just cheap. It turns out that the Salvation Army is a Christian organization, and they didn’t appreciate it when I showed up with a shady white van full of porn. I tried giving them out on the street, but the cops chased me ten blocks. They only stopped when I threw the box down so I could run faster.

So I’m kind of lost. Who needs porn? Non-profit sperm banks? Mormons? The troops?

The damage to the Brianna Banks action figure (insert) may have been caused by Tuesday

Philadelphia, PA – A rare 5.9 earthquake shook the HotMovies.com corporate headquarters Tuesday afternoon, resulting in nobody hurt and nothing damaged, but terrifying everyone inside.

The building was briefly evacuated, and the east-coasters, un-used to geological events of any kind, were both literally and figuratively shaken. “I won’t be able to sleep tonight. I’ll be up just waiting. I have to call my cats,” said a marketing operative who wisely refused to identify himself. Visibly jumpy, he then added, “What was that?”

“I was worried about my collection of mint condition Buffy the Vampire Slayer figures which are still in the package,” said James Cybert, director of Business Development. As of press time, only an old Brianna Banks action figure had fallen down. Cybert has launched an investigation to find out if that incident was related to Tuesday’s earthquake.

Authorities dispute whether or not the sexual immorality, prolific at Philadelphia’s HotMovies.com headquarters, may have played a role in the rare quake. So far, divine retribution cannot be ruled out as a factor.

According to the United States Geological Survey, the earthquake Tuesday afternoon was the worst earthquake in the entire world- that day. Still, streaming video service at HotMovies.com went uninterrupted, and the corporate headquarters remains the world’s largest internet archive of adult video on demand.

One of the most memorable Charlie Sheen related porn stars to date, Capri Anderson, has requested to become a member of the Charlie Sheen Roast guests. Capri has reportedly been in contact with none other than the celebrity roast master himself, Mr. Jeff Ross. Ross is said to be “interested” in having Anderson on the show, which is set to air September 19th. Besides the obvious controversial quality of having a woman “roast” the man who allegedly assaulted her, airing a major Charlie Sheen special on the same night as Ashton Kutcher’s debut as Charlie Sheen’s character on “Two and a Half Men” creates a TV double whammy.

Recently, Charlie Sheen dropped a lawsuit against Capri Anderson in reaction to her account of their evening together in New York last October. Sheen has stated Anderson “fabricated a sensational tale about being assaulted, battered and held against her will” in an attempt to “embarrass him and… damage his career”. Assuming all of this is true altercation, there’s no telling what could happen between Charlie Sheen and Capri Anderson live on Comedy Central. Plenty of Roast guests have made widely-considered “over-the-line” comments over the years, and this pairing is ripe for a live altercation.

Charlie Sheen Roast emcee, Seth MacFarlane, has a full order of drama to contend with this time around.

Long ago, before the age of high speed internet and mobile devices, adolescent boys and girls had no porn to Google. They sat awake at night, watching U.S.A. Up All Night for just enough T&A to carry them through. They peered through scrambled cable signals like cold war spies operating a cypher for a glimpse of a telltale nipple. They tossed and turned on their unrequited libidos, as it were a pea beneath the mattress tormenting them.

But all was not hopeless, for in the woods between the neighborhoods, or the spaces between the dumpsters in the alley was a pot of gold. By the side of the freeway, or the crawl space of your friend’s grandfather’s house was a treasure that seemed to be another’s trash.

Porn! In magazine or VHS, DVD or poster, we found it. In the most unlikely spots or bricked together by water damage, we found it in stacks. Now even the most noobian end user is just a Google away from naked ladies (and even people really doing it,) but the legend of The Porn Fairy lives on.

Some say he still stalks the trash filled, tiny wooded areas between neighborhoods with a garbage bag full of porn like some fucked-up Easter bunny. Tell us about how you found porn for the first time, either hidden away by The Porn Fairy, or on the internet, or wherever.

Click for more pictures of The Porn Fairy

There has been a lot of buzz recently surrounding the new Anchorman XXX Parody, and things have heated up even more since the set was visited by FunnyorDie.com’s Hal Rudnick. Hal took some time to ask the Anchorman porn parody’s stars what parts of the original Anchorman movie were there favorites. Once those questions seem to fall on distracted ears, Hal turns to the hot topic issues of today.

“In Anchorman: A XXX Parody, top notch anchorman Ron Burgundy (Jack Lawrence) moves his roots from San Diego to the fine trappings of Los Angeles — and he brings the entire Channel 4 News Team with him. Unfortunately, Brian (Dale DaBone), Brick (Anthony Rosano) and Champ (Eric Masterson) are all unemployed. In an effort to restart their once stellar careers, the gang and their fearless leader must join forces with the ever-popular Veronica Corningstone (Tasha Reign) and her all-female news team. Anchorman: A XXX Porn Parody also features Adriana Sephora, Dylan Ryan, Aiden Starr, Dana DeArmond and India Summer.”
- XBIZ

Continuing to perpetrate the seemingly endless realization that offering to have sex with a public figure buys a certain amount of marketing and advertising for nothing, Joanna Angel has written a Steven Hirsch copy-cat letter to none other than Anthony Weiner. The letter was posted by XBIZ.com on Friday, and it was made clear that the post date was for June 8th. This would make great sense if this was actually a development, and not the cheap marketing ploy reality can’t help but dictate it to be.



“Dear Mr. Weiner:

Thank you for taking the time to read my inquiry. My name is Joanna Angel (aka: Punk Rock Porn Princess) and founder/owner of BurningAngel.com. I’m also a Jew, like you.

In lieu of your recent troubles within the mainstream press, and your obvious love and obsession with porn, sexting, twexting and there must be some voyeurism in there too, I cordially invite you to do a legitimate sex scene with me where 100% of the profits go to charity.

So what do you think?

Of course, your wife can join us. I love three-ways! Considering the leaked pictures of your cock, I’d welcome the opportunity for a back-door man.

Since you know Twitter so well, follow me @joannaangel

Yours in dirty sexy porn,

Xoxo – Joanna Angel”



If Joanna Angel was being more mindful of the news, she might see a much more realistic opportunity to poke her nose into the political sex game. Sammie Spades, Hilary Clinton’s double D blonde intern during the summer of 2006, has already traded in her pants-suit for less restricting garments on camera. Of course, it does cost much more to make a real deal.

The image above is used as the headline banner for an AOL News article on how XBIZ.com wants to know what porn titles were in Osama Bin Laden’s “huge stash” of porn. Does this look like a great picture of Joanna Angel?

Why would you want Adult Industry Studios, Directors and Stars to be referenced with one of the deadliest terrorists in world history?

Does this sound like a great marketing plan?

Are you going to try cashing in on the fact that your studio made the “Taliban Tops” list?

Is there going to be an “Osama Bin Laden Meets His 72 Virgins” XXX parody?

This is absurd. The only thing that will come of this, is the strengthening of the Bible Belt’s political influence. If I were a major player in the Adult Industry, I would be trying to sweep this under the rug faster than Clinton’s blow job. When you give conservative America any decent reason to get rid of something they do not agree with morally, you are hurting the Adult Industry as a whole.

Granted, making sex more “taboo” in our culture has produced increased revenue in the past. Although, that was at a time when pornography was still very wild and untamed. Now that the government has had time to create plenty of policies concerning the Adult Industry, and almost every dark corner of sexuality has been put on free tube sites, “taboo” will not have the same effect.

If you are an Adult Entertainment professional, and have a real interest in what lie in Osama Bin Laden’s “huge stash” of porn, you can do yourself a big favor. Take a big cymbal in each hand, and repeatedly clap your head between them until you no longer have this urge. Why don’t you make yourself useful and write the Arnold Schwarzenegger Love Child parody?

- T.J. HotMovies

The following is an article published by The New York Daily News.

Kate Middleton’s sister Pippa is very xxx-citing to some people.

After racy photos surfaced last week of a half-naked Pippa dancing with an equally un-dressed male, porn company Vivid Entertainment has offered Prince William’s sister-in-law $5 million to shoot one “explicit” scene.

Vivid president Steven Hirsh has sent the 27-year-old a letter, which TMZ obtained, telling her that she was the real star of the royal wedding and that her “beauty and attitude” would make her a huge adult star.

“After seeing photos of you having a great time at a party, I decided to offer you a role in one of our upcoming movies,” Hirsch wrote…

Reaction:

Steven Hirsch,
(Yes, I apparently can spell your name better than the NY Daily News)

I can fully understand how much fun it must be gaining immediate press coverage over writing empty casting offers with lots of zeros to international mainstream celebrities, but the gimmick is becoming trite very quickly. Everyone knows Pippa Middleton is not going to accept this letter, and would not be allowed to do so whether she wanted to or not. If having fun with the opposite sex, in your underwear, at 27 years old is grounds to be casted in a porn film, I’m fairly certain you’d be writing me letters daily.

Not to mention, 5 million American dollars is almost a slap in the face of Pippa Middleton. Remember, her sister is Her Royal Highness Princess William Arthur Philip Louis, Duchess of Cambridge, Countess of Strathearn, Baroness Carrickfergus. I sincerely doubt 5 million American, 3,498,095 Euros, could buy her anything her own family wouldn’t on a whim. If you really thought you had a chance at casting Pippa, you would at least offer her a nice high, round number in her own country’s currency.

Quit crying wolf, and put your money where your mouth is.

- T.J. HotMovies