I’m generally completely against censorship. I want to hear and see things in their proper context. Bleeps and black bars usually only take away from the experience of whatever you’re watching or listening to. The FCC could go screw themselves if it were up to me. People don’t need to be coddled at every turn. Let me deem what is acceptable or not myself.

Now, that being said, unnecessary censorship is entirely different. It’s one of the funniest memes out there, in my opinion. And if you don’t know what unnecessary censorship entails, then you’ve been missing out. Here are some of my favorite examples of this meme.

I’ve never particularly been a fan of UFC. Well, that all changed when I saw this GIF.

This one is just so absolutely perfect. The position of the one guy’s head. The euphoric look on the other dude’s face. I like to imagine that the guy who looks like he’s giving the blow job starts getting a little to rough with his teeth which causes the blow job recipient to punch him off his dick.

For all of you baseball fans out there, you know that locker room celebrations can get a little intense in the playoffs. I was unaware that it ever reached this level, however…

That would be Cuban baseball sensation, Yasiel Puig, of the LA Dodgers. This image is already pretty great without the censorship, but the thought of a man jerking off and exploding all over his teammates in the locker room just adds a level of hilarity that would be impossible to reach without those blurred out pixels.

Keeping with the sports celebration theme. This driver must have just won a big race. And how does he decide to celebrate? 

Well thanks to unnecessary censorship, it goes from spraying a bottle of champagne to looking like he’s throwing out money shots in a gang bang.

This next video will give you an entirely new look into the relationship between Bert and Ernie.

I think Sesame Street should totally do all of their programming in this style. It would still be enjoyable for kids because they can still watch a bunch of puppets running around. But at the same time, it would provide such a great incentive for adults to watch.

These are just a few of the many hilarious instances of unnecessary censorship that are floating around the internet. While most memes become tiresome and repetitive, this one keeps being introduced to new situations that keep it fresh and funny. And that’s why it’s the only meme I’ll ever like.

Alex Smith and Aaron Rodgers have a pretty long history. Both of these NFL quarterbacks were selected in the first round of the 2005 draft. It was a pretty even split leading up to the draft on who should be the number 1 overall pick. Well, it ended up being Alex Smith, and Aaron Rodgers, for some reason, dropped all the way to the 24th pick. Since that moment, these two have always been linked. Except in this instance, it doesn’t have anything to do with their on field play.

alex smith aaron rodgers

Back when Alex Smith was still on the 49ers, user americanslang59 posted a very interesting story regarding the two QBs to reddit.com/r/nfl. The story is an ertoic fanfiction that is just a bit odd to say the least. However, it is absolutely hilarious, as well. It may even be as good this football fantasy.

The Story

As the clock winded down, Aaron Rodgers and the Green Bay Packers knew they were in trouble. Alas, the clock struck 0 and Packers were served their first loss of the season at the hands of Alex Smith and the San Francisco 49ers. The cameras rushed on the field to interview players. As ESPN’s cameras ran towards Aaron Rodgers, they caught him shaking the hand of the joyous Alex Smith. “Congrats!” said Aaron as their eyes locked. Smith pulled Rodgers in closer. “You played well.” Smith whispered.

Aaron walked into the steamy locker room and began to undress. His gigantic dong flopped out of his uniform. A thundering bang was heard when it slapped against his leg. He hopped in the shower and began to cleanse himself of sweat and dirt. After his shower, he put on his normal attire: Boxers, shorts and a t-shirt.

Aaron said his goodbyes to team mates and coaches and walked to his car. As he approached his car, he began to feel very odd. He looked around and saw nobody but felt as if he was being watched. As he continued to walk, something was not right. As he approached his car, a hand wrapped around his mouth and said, “Don’t make a sound.” As he began to panic, the hand pulled away and Aaron could hear laughter. Alex Smith was on the ground laughing. Aaron looked shocked. “Alex, you asshole!” He then playfully slapped Alex. “Sorry, I couldn’t help it!” The two embraced each other and began to kiss slowly. Alex whispered, “I’m sorry that I beat your ass on the field and now I am going to beat your ass in your backseat.”

Aaron began to unzip Alex’s pants. He grabbed his monstrous pecker and began to move his hand up and down. “Oh yeah, Aaron. You know how daddy likes it.” Aaron dropped to his knees and put this huge thing in his mouth. He sucked up and down, licking the throbbing member quickly. His slobber coated Alex’s penis. “Ok get up Aaron.” Aaron quickly stood up and took his shorts off. “Fuck my boy pussy Alex.” Alex thrusted himself deep inside Aaron’s anus. Alex was grunting and Aaron was moaning. “Yeah, take it you little bitch.” Aaron kept taking the dick into his hairy asshole. “Fuck me harder!” Alex pumped away. Aaron could feel his penis begin to swell. Within minutes, Alex blew his gigantic load inside Aaron’s tight little butt hole. “Well, I hope I see you in the post season.” whispered Alex.

So yeah, there it is. An instant American classic for sure. It also might explain a couple of photos of these two. Like this pic of Smith. This is what I imagine his face would look like when he was checking out Aaron’s butt.

alex smith creepy face

And let’s not forget when Rodgers had a serious porn stache going on. Who knows what sort of stuff he could have been into while sporting this look.

aaron rodgers mustache

All of a sudden this erotic fanfiction is making more and more sense.

 

Glory holes are a funny thing. Per Urban Dictionary a glory hole is, “A hole located in a partition in which one’s penis is inserted, thus separating the participants and ensuring anonymity throughout the act of copulation or fellatio (or possibly a titty wank).”

glory hole

In theory, they sound fantastic. I mean, who wouldn’t want to stick their penis through a hole to have it sucked by an anonymous stranger? It’s a great concept. There isn’t a guy out there who doesn’t love a good blowjob.

But let’s take a step back from this dream scenario for a second and think about this in realistic terms. Chances are if you’re at a place that has a hole drilled into a bathroom stall door then the place you’re at is pretty sketchy to say the least. And I’m not talking just your typical dive bar kind of sketchy that might be a little rough around the edges. No no, I’m talking like there are probably numerous drug deals going on around you sketchy.

So that being said, it’s a pretty safe bet that this girl isn’t going to be awaiting your dong on the other side.

tasha reign

I’m sorry to have to break this news to you. But it’s just not going to happen. I feel like it’s my duty to warn you of the possible dangers and risks of this tempting sexual release. For you visual learners out there, I decided to find some pics for you that show what’s more likely to be on the other side of that wall than a beautiful woman.

A gay man.

gay man

Now this is inherently bad. If you yourself happen to be a gay male, then this could be just what you’re looking for. But let’s assume for a second that you’re a straight guy. Do you want to receive a blowjob from a dude? Hey, maybe you do. Maybe for you as long as you think it’s a girl, it doesn’t matter if it actually is or not. But just be warned. This is a big danger in the world of the glory hole.

A really, really unattractive woman.

witch

Now I didn’t want to use an actual unattractive lady for this because that’d just be mean. Not everyone can be a looker. But still, be wary of this possibility. You aren’t going to see these girls on the other side. Again, maybe you’re so desperate to get your penis touched by a lady that you don’t even care. If that’s the case, more power to you. However, this danger is very real if you’re a man with actual standards.

So the next time you come across one of these magical little sex holes; just think about what kind of person would actually suck someone’s dick anonymously through a hole in a wall.

Fads on the internet come and go. One minute it’s rage comics. The next it’s advice animals like Socially Awkward Penguin. But if you’ve been keeping up with the latest internet fads; you may have noticed that adding googly eyes to things has become really popular. People have been putting them on all sorts of different objects, both inanimate and living.

Like refrigerators…

Pregnant women’s stomachs…

pregnant woman stomach googly eyes

And even their sleeping cats…

googly eyes cat

It just makes everyday things incredibly funny, and kind of creepy, looking. But the real reason I’m bringing up this trend is because recently this wonder started floating around. A gif of googly eyes porn.

googly eyes porn

How disturbing is that?! If a girl was giving me a blow job with those things on, I don’t think I’d ever finish. This is the stuff of nightmares. One second you’re just laying back enjoying a nice blow job, then all of sudden the girl looks up and you see this on her face. Instant boner kill.

So naturally after I saw this I decided to see what some other porn scenes would look like if the stars had these things on. First up is Remy LaCroix. She doesn’t look nearly as cute and innocent with a pair of giant eyeballs popping out of her face.remy lacroix googly eyes

Lily Carter goes crazy for that dick, literally. It reminds me of Nutty from Happy Tree Friends.

lily carter googly eyes

Stoya and James Deen are like the Zooey Deschanel and Joseph Gordon-Levitt of the porn world. Everyone loves them and thinks they are adorable. Except whereas Zooey and JGL are only an actual couple in my dreams, Stoya and James are together in real life. Perhaps they should spice up their love life by recreating this image I made of them. It’s just so romantic!

stoya james deen googly eyes

Well that’s it for my fun. I hope you learned a thing or two about the benefits of googly eyes. I have to keep you folks up to date on all the new fads and memes. You can’t fall behind with this stuff.

Have you ever found yourself watching porn and hear one of the stars say something so ridiculous you can’t help but laugh hysterically? Well I found a bunch of those quotes that just make you go, “Wait, what did they just say?!” Then we took those quotes and put them on very stoic looking images of the stars that said them. Hilarity ensued.

Tori Black quote

This is Tori Black. She said this great line whilst holding two dicks against her face. The look of struggle on her face just fits the quote so perfectly.

Asa Akira quote

Asa Akira is one of my all time favorite porn stars. One reason is because I love Asian girls. But also because she says things like this. Seriously, can you imagine  hooking up with a girl and her saying this?! I don’t even think I’d be able to finish. I’d just stand there laughing in shock.

Christy Mack quote

When I heard this one, I think I sat just staring at the screen with my mouth open for a good 5 minutes. It’s just so absurd. If you want to hear it in its original context, check out Tattooed Anal Sluts.

James Deen quote

 James Deen looks like he could be doing a Calvin Klein ad in this pic. However, while Calvin Klein ads can be a little suggestive, they generally aren’t quite as blunt as James’ quote here.

Lexi Belle quote

So the porn industry sometimes uses fake cum. Come on, you didn’t really think some of those guys can blow loads that big, did you? It is a little odd, though, that Lexi Belle decided to ask specifically for the fake stuff in the middle of being banged. She could at least pretend it’s real… Oh and if you want to make your own, here are a couple of fake cum recipes.

Sasha Grey quote

Last is the always wonderful, yet incredibly vulgar, Sasha Grey. She just gets so aggressive sometimes. Which I guess is understandable since a lot of her time is spent being gangbanged. She’s looking very politician-like in this picture. I think more of our political leaders should throw quotes like this one into their speeches. I bet a lot more people would start paying attention to politics.

 

So I was bored today and decided to mess around in Paint. I give you my collection of penis characters. Surprising as it may be, I actually don’t have a background in art.

pirate penis

Captain Dick lost one of his balls in an epic pirate showdown. Now none of the girl pirates will even look at him.

secret agent penis

So Sam Mendes is returning to direct the next James Bond installment which is good news for those who are fans of the franchise. Now, if only we could get a parody where 007 is played by a suave penis.

penis batman

I think this may be my finest work of the bunch. Keep a look out. There’s a good chance I’m going to make more superhero penis characters. The potential is just limitless.  Oh and if you ever wondered what it was like when Batman had sex, watch this.

skateboard penis

Imagine how much it would hurt if this little guy didn’t stick the landing to one of his tricks. Also, today I learned that I am really bad at drawing skateboards.

 penis basketball

Making a penis with an afro might just be the crowning moment of my career. It reminds me of a young Dr. J soaring through the air. Just, you know, more penisy.

Seeing as porn is often a taboo subject in a lot of social situations, it makes for a great topic in comedy. I came across a few jokes and stand-up comedy routines on the subject that I found pretty entertaining.

This hilarious man is Simon Amstell. For those of you that live alone like myself, I think you’ll find this very relatable.

This lovely lady is comedian, Amy Schumer. She may have a point about the predictability of a lot of porn videos… And if you like her style, she has a show on Comedy Central that you should check out.

The last clip you guys need to check out is from Jake Weisman. He’s a pretty good follow on Twitter @weismanjake. While this video is very funny, I think it also raises a fair point. A strong argument against the porn industry is that it creates unrealistic expectations for sex in real life. Well doesn’t Hollywood create just as ridiculous expectations for falling in love in a lot of mainstream movies? Yet those movies are never looked at in a negative light by society.

And now for a few of my favorite random jokes on porn…

  • “My girlfriend is a porn star. She is going to be so pissed off when she finds out.”
  • “How the fuck am I meant to stay with the same girl for the rest of my life when I can’t even wank over the same porn twice?”
  • “I must be so lucky, all the beautiful girls that message me when I sign into a free porn site are from my home town. What are the odds?”

Nobody likes commercials. They interrupt what we really want to watch and are usually pretty annoying. However, I’ve found a few that would definitely enhance the TV viewing experience. Yeah they might be a little racy and inappropriate for some viewers. But still, in the age of the internet, it’s not like people aren’t seeing worse on a daily basis anyway.

First we have an ad for Skittles. I imagine many of the ladies out there would prefer if this was real life.

Next we have a Pop Rocks skit that may be more painful than pleasurable if actually done in real life. If any of you have tried this, feel free to let us know how it went…I’m curious.

Last is my favorite of the bunch and definitely the sort of thing that I’d love to see more of on TV. It’s hilariously vulgar, yet done so in a way that is completely innocent to watch.

So there you have it. Which did you guys like the most? There are surely more ads out there done in similar styles. Send in your favorites and maybe we can get another addition of this post. Leave it in the comment section or over at the HotMovies Facebook page.

 

 

It’s the end of the week guys and gals. So to celebrate Friday I thought we’d be a little silly today and have some fun.

Did you know that in ancient Pompeii they carved penises into the ground to point you towards the nearest brothel? Well now you do! Those Romans sure were a horny bunch.

pompeii penis

Want to see a funny video? Of course you do. Stumbled across this while sipping on my coffee this morning.

And my last gift to you comes from the folks over at CollegeHumor. Everyone is aware of doggy style, but how about trying some of these animal-based sex positions. I’m a sucker for turtle style myself.

The Great Pumpkin Carve-Off 2012

It’s time to get extra dirty with the pumpkin carvings this Halloween as HotMovies.com and our flagship sites invite friends and fans to participate in THE GREAT PORN PUMPKIN CARVE-OFF!!

HOW YOU CAN PARTICIPATE:

  • Carve a sexy pumpkin
  • Take photos while you are carving and when you are done.
  • Send them in to us.

ALL submissions WIN HotMovies minutes and the top 3 creative winners will receive one of 3 valuable prizes

  • Cash $$$ – well, actually a gift card for $100 to use as you please
  • Trick or Treat grab bag from HotMovies including DVDs and minutes for our sites
  • 100 Minutes good on HotMovies or any of our other VOD sites

 THE RULES:

  1. Photo must be from this October, no dusting off that sexy trucker pumpkin from last year.
  2. Photo must be yours. You own it, no grey photos or Google image searching. Do you really think we won’t research our winners? Come on, have some fun and stick a knife in that pumpkin.
  3. No photos of naked people with the pumpkin. Just the pumpkin please.
  4. Keep it sane. Images depicting  illegal or obscene activities won’t be eligible and will be reported if need be.
  5. You must be at least 18 years of age to participate.

The Deadline is October 31st at 11:00am EST. We will announce the winners later that day.

In order to play submit your photo james@hotmovies.com or submit on our Facebook Page:

 

Need some visual inspiration?
Learn how to make a pumpkin stencil from last years post – http://hotmoviesblog.com/hotmovies-network-2/hotmovies-gets-crafty-porno-pumpkin-carving.html

Head on over to HotMovies.com and Enjoy Porn Star Lexi Belle in 2 Awesome Halloween XXX Parodies!