Every once in a while you come across a scene or an actress and think, “boy, I really wish she did porn.” It’s not hard to imagine some mainstream stars switching from Hollywood to porn. However, what if some mainstream directors made the switch? There are a bunch of directors out there that have a unique and very specific style. For instance, you always know a Tarantino when you see one. Well, this got me thinking. What would porn be like if certain Hollywood directors were the ones running the show?

Michael Bay

Michael Bay explosions

Michael Bay loves explosions. It’s as known as the sun rises in the east that if you’re watching a Michael Bay flick, you’re going to see some shit blow up. This would make a fantastic transition to the world of porn. There is a serious lack of action-themed porn movies out there right now. Imagine if a guy was about to blow his load on a girl’s face and right as he did…BOOM! Just explosions everywhere, leaving the entire room destroyed with only remnants of semen left.

Tim Burton

Tim Burton Johnny Depp Helena Bonham Carter

Tim Burton totally has a secretly fantasy about Johnny Depp having sex with his wife, Helena Bonham Carter. I mean, he uses them both in pretty much every movie he’s ever created. Who knows, maybe he has some cuckold fetish. I suppose there are worse choices for having someone bang your wife than Johnny Depp. He’s pretty dreamy. Aside from this angle, Burton would also create probably the weirdest porno ever.

Christopher Nolan

Michael Caine Christian Bale

Nolan is a master of plot twists in his films. Think of movies like The Prestige and Memento for example. He would create the most complex porn ever. You’d most likely have to watch it 4 times before you could actually jerk off to it just so you could understand what it is you’re jerking off to exactly. But then when you finally get it, it’ll be the greatest masturbation session you’ve ever experienced. Or maybe it’d just be gay sex between Michael Caine and Christian Bale… Plus, if Nolan directed porn, he could totally throw in that “BRRRAAAWWMMM” sound from Inception.

Wes Anderson

Wes Anderson

If Wes Anderson made a porn movie, it would be the artsiest and most angsty adult film ever created. The characters would all be severely depressed and rarely say anything or make any noises. However, when they did become audible, it’d be sure to come off as something incredibly profound. Have you ever heard a pretentious orgasm? Well I bet you would in this film. When the guy was about to finish I imagine he’d look at the girl with a gloomy look on his face and state, “I’m going to cum on your face now.” But this would be said in the most deadpan way imaginable. ┬áThe girls face, void of any emotion at all, would be covered in this freshly blown load, and the screen would fade to black.

Comments are closed.