Philadelphia, PA – A rare 5.9 earthquake shook the corporate headquarters Tuesday afternoon, resulting in nobody hurt and nothing damaged, but terrifying everyone inside.

The building was briefly evacuated, and the east-coasters, un-used to geological events of any kind, were both literally and figuratively shaken. “I won’t be able to sleep tonight. I’ll be up just waiting. I have to call my cats,” said a marketing operative who wisely refused to identify himself. Visibly jumpy, he then added, “What was that?”

“I was worried about my collection of mint condition Buffy the Vampire Slayer figures which are still in the package,” said James Cybert, director of Business Development. As of press time, only an old Brianna Banks action figure had fallen down. Cybert has launched an investigation to find out if that incident was related to Tuesday’s earthquake.

Authorities dispute whether or not the sexual immorality, prolific at Philadelphia’s headquarters, may have played a role in the rare quake. So far, divine retribution cannot be ruled out as a factor.

According to the United States Geological Survey, the earthquake Tuesday afternoon was the worst earthquake in the entire world- that day. Still, streaming video service at went uninterrupted, and the corporate headquarters remains the world’s largest internet archive of adult video on demand.