I hope everyone had a great Independence Day! I, myself, have never felt more American than I did  yesterday when I was sitting in a kiddie pool, eating a Choco Taco in one hand and a steak in the other hand, drinking cheep beer, all while listening to Creedence Clearwater Revival and shooting off fireworks. If only every day could be the 4th of July…

Anyway, if you missed it, there were some rather sexual connotations in the celebratory news yesterday.

Competitive eater Joey Chestnut (a true American hero) won his 7th straight Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest. But the real news comes with the number of hot dogs Chestnut was able to down. 69! That’s right, the new record for number of hot dogs eaten in 10 minutes is probably the funniest number you could pick. Especially when considering that hot dogs look a lot like penises.

hot dog penis

So while you were watching your local fireworks last night did you see any shaped like a penis? I’m pretty sure these things are supposed to come out in the form of hearts, but it’s much funnier to imagine them as giant, fiery dicks.

penis firework

Or maybe someone you know had the misfortune of attempting to make this cake. I’m pretty sure they’re supposed to be fireworks, but come on…really? This isn’t even close.

penis cake

For more sex-filled 4th of July action check out my co-worker’s, @emmmmja, post showing what some different porn stars were up to yesterday. It starts out with one of my favorites, April O’Neil!

Tomorrow is Independence Day here in the US. So today we’re going to look at a whole lot of freedom. Here’s a look at what happens when you Google image search “most American picture ever”. Hilarity ensues, that’s what happens.

george washington eagle rocket launcherbill clinton america




Roosevelt Bigfoot



Oh and speaking of Indepence Day… Have you heard the fantastic news?! Independence Day 2 will be hitting theaters exactly 2 years from now. And I, for one, can never have too much Jeff Goldblum in my life.

So one of the great things about the 4th of July celebrations has to be the food. You crack open some beers with some friends and all gather around the grill to enjoy various forms of meat. Well if you’re looking for something other than just hot dogs and burgers this year, I highly suggest the Bacon Explosion. This mouth watering behemoth log of meat will surely get your guests excited. Prepare yourself for 2 lbs of bacon, 2 lbs of sausage, a ton of barbecue sauce, and 1 extremely satisfied stomach. Man, I can taste the freedom already!

bacon explosion

And last, but certainly not least, what would this great holiday be without a hot blonde in a bikini? To me, Kate Upton epitomizes the all-American girl. If only she would join these sexy patriots

kate upton america

So for those of you celebrating tomorrow, enjoy!