When you’re watching porn, sex seems like such an easy thing to do. It’s no problem to pick up your girl and start banging or to do any number of other difficult sex positions. Meanwhile if you tried that in real life, there’s a good chance that you both end up on the floor with a few bumps and bruises. But that’s what happens when you can edit out all of the awkward moments and weird noises that happen during real sex. Because as I’m sure you all know, that stuff is almost guaranteed during actual sex. It’s impossible to avoid. Shit just happens. So here’s a list of some things that I absolutely hate about sex.

Fear Of A Broken Penis

broken penis

The thing I hate more than anything in sex is when a girl is on top riding you, and she just pays no regard to the safety of your dick. Ladies, you have to be careful up there! Things slip out easily. I’d prefer that if that were to happen, that my penis not be crushed and bent because you’re just bouncing around like a damn lunatic.

Cramping

stretching

Cramps! Nothing is worse than when things are starting to get really heavy, and BOOM, now you have an incredibly painful leg cramp. So now you’re left with 2 options. One, you stop the sex completely, let your partner know that you’re in pain, and in doing so, ruin the entire moment. Two, you try to sneakily stretch out your leg without your partner knowing while continuing the sex. Yeah, good luck with that one. Either way, both options suck.

Hair

hair in mouth

So you think the girl you’re hooking up with having long, flowing hair is really hot? Sure, I bet it looks awesome. Well just wait until she gets on top of you and you guys start going at it. Because all of that beautiful, luscious hair that you adore so much is about to fall right on your face and most likely end up in your mouth.

Random Body Noises

fart during sex

Some noises during sex are great. For instance, moaning and shouting are both good indications that things are going well. However, the body is a strange thing. And hearing skin slapping against other skin or that suction sound that happens sometimes when you’re sweaty and bodies are sticking together is just awful. You have to really be close to the person you’re having sex with to not let these make the situation awkward. God forbid you let out a fart with someone you’re with for the first time. Have fun trying to get back in the mood of things after that.

Overall, sex is obviously fantastic and a great time. But let’s not act like it’s the most perfect thing out there. There are definitely some flaws and uncomfortable moments. And these are just a few of the things that I really hate about sex.

Glory holes are a funny thing. Per Urban Dictionary a glory hole is, “A hole located in a partition in which one’s penis is inserted, thus separating the participants and ensuring anonymity throughout the act of copulation or fellatio (or possibly a titty wank).”

glory hole

In theory, they sound fantastic. I mean, who wouldn’t want to stick their penis through a hole to have it sucked by an anonymous stranger? It’s a great concept. There isn’t a guy out there who doesn’t love a good blowjob.

But let’s take a step back from this dream scenario for a second and think about this in realistic terms. Chances are if you’re at a place that has a hole drilled into a bathroom stall door then the place you’re at is pretty sketchy to say the least. And I’m not talking just your typical dive bar kind of sketchy that might be a little rough around the edges. No no, I’m talking like there are probably numerous drug deals going on around you sketchy.

So that being said, it’s a pretty safe bet that this girl isn’t going to be awaiting your dong on the other side.

tasha reign

I’m sorry to have to break this news to you. But it’s just not going to happen. I feel like it’s my duty to warn you of the possible dangers and risks of this tempting sexual release. For you visual learners out there, I decided to find some pics for you that show what’s more likely to be on the other side of that wall than a beautiful woman.

A gay man.

gay man

Now this is inherently bad. If you yourself happen to be a gay male, then this could be just what you’re looking for. But let’s assume for a second that you’re a straight guy. Do you want to receive a blowjob from a dude? Hey, maybe you do. Maybe for you as long as you think it’s a girl, it doesn’t matter if it actually is or not. But just be warned. This is a big danger in the world of the glory hole.

A really, really unattractive woman.

witch

Now I didn’t want to use an actual unattractive lady for this because that’d just be mean. Not everyone can be a looker. But still, be wary of this possibility. You aren’t going to see these girls on the other side. Again, maybe you’re so desperate to get your penis touched by a lady that you don’t even care. If that’s the case, more power to you. However, this danger is very real if you’re a man with actual standards.

So the next time you come across one of these magical little sex holes; just think about what kind of person would actually suck someone’s dick anonymously through a hole in a wall.

I hope everyone had a great Independence Day! I, myself, have never felt more American than I did  yesterday when I was sitting in a kiddie pool, eating a Choco Taco in one hand and a steak in the other hand, drinking cheep beer, all while listening to Creedence Clearwater Revival and shooting off fireworks. If only every day could be the 4th of July…

Anyway, if you missed it, there were some rather sexual connotations in the celebratory news yesterday.

Competitive eater Joey Chestnut (a true American hero) won his 7th straight Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest. But the real news comes with the number of hot dogs Chestnut was able to down. 69! That’s right, the new record for number of hot dogs eaten in 10 minutes is probably the funniest number you could pick. Especially when considering that hot dogs look a lot like penises.

hot dog penis

So while you were watching your local fireworks last night did you see any shaped like a penis? I’m pretty sure these things are supposed to come out in the form of hearts, but it’s much funnier to imagine them as giant, fiery dicks.

penis firework

Or maybe someone you know had the misfortune of attempting to make this cake. I’m pretty sure they’re supposed to be fireworks, but come on…really? This isn’t even close.

penis cake

For more sex-filled 4th of July action check out my co-worker’s, @emmmmja, post showing what some different porn stars were up to yesterday. It starts out with one of my favorites, April O’Neil!

A 14 year old boy with a fish stuck inside his penis was treated by doctors in India. The boy claimed the fish ‘slipped’ into his penis while he was cleaning out his fish tank. The fish worked its way through his penis and into his digestive system.

I’m not really sure how this could even happen. I think this kid is going to grow up and be into some kinky shit like peehole insertions.

Source: yesbutnobutyes

Jaime del Val likes to wander the streets of Madrid projecting images from his penis on the sides of buildings. He’s completely nude except for the strategically placed electronic equipment he carries on his back and penis.

He has his own dick cam, and a light that shines on his butt. He says he projects the images from his dick because it’s powerful, but really we think he’s trying to make up for lack of size down there.

Source: Metro

During a yearly festival that takes place on April 1st, attendees of the penis-venerating shrine festival are there to support HIV research as well as to receive fertility blessings. The shrine has been around for quite some time and was once used by prostitutes to ward off sexually transmitted diseases as well as divine protections also in business prosperity and the clan’s prosperity, easy delivery, marriage, and married couple harmony, etc. Legend says another use for the Steel Phallus was to break the teeth of the demon that was living inside of a girls vagina.

Many people ventured out as a family, so people of all ages could enjoy the festival. Children were seen enjoying lollipops in the shape of penis’.
For a country that isn’t allowed to show genitalia on screen, they sure do love the cock.
The rest of the pics are Here

In Congo, 13 Sorcerers have been arrested and accused of using black magic to steal or shrink men’s penises. Communal taxi riders have been warned to look out for fellow passengers wearing gold rings, as they are said to be participants in black magic. 14 of the victims were detained by police and claimed they were simply touched and their penises either shrunk or disappeared all together.

Police arrested both victims and the sorcerers in an attempt to stop any blood shed that could come of the situation.

I’m sure it wouldn’t be a problem if these sorcerers were enlarging penises instead of shrinking them.

Source: Reuters